Last night I attended the regional AGM of the Federation of Small Businesses. A useful meeting in parts however, I couldn’t help the odd smirk or three at some of the Business Speak…
Despite the vision of the Plain English Campaign in 1979 and subsequent introduction of their Crystal Mark accreditation in 1990; jargon, gobbledygook and, what I can only call business bollocks, is still alive and festering in meetings.
Individuals who feel the need to say something, which often actually means feck all, are one of my pet hates. As soon as I’ve heard more than a couple of bollocks in one phrase, I switch off. The person has effectively shit his/her pot full and hit the emergency stop button of my interest engine. It’s like asking a politician a simple question (one that only requires a yes/no) and 5 minutes later you’re wondering if you even got a bloody answer?
To be fair, as questions from the floor were mostly offered by ordinary Yorkshire folk, with simple values and who call a spade a spade, most of the bollocks actually came from the visiting speakers at the front.
Business Bollocks is not a new concept by any means, it’s been arround for years and another import from those intense USA business gurus. It used to be a bit of a laugh and I can remember playing the old Buzzword Bingo thing more than twenty years ago. What I find hard to understand is why we are still swallowing this crap. Whatever happened to, saying what you think and thinking what you say? If that is actually happening, you have to ask, what the feck is going on inside their heads, if anything? Like most jargon, those who use it are simply doing it to appear superior to their audience. Another example of business management self-importance.
I have to say the most proliferate user of the bollocks on the panel, was the lady from the local district council. No surprise there with her“moving forward we have some strategic measures in place with our partners”, in answer to the posed question she didn’t really have an answer to! I remember a Sergeant once in the police who, on promotion to Inspector in some nondescript HQ department, suddenly spoke a totally new and alien language after a couple of months. Little did he know that on a daily basis, he was actually undoing all the respect he once had, the feckless dork.
In recent years I’ve noticed; the bollocks seems to be far more commonplace within public agencies than it is in the commercial sector. Is this because businesses are finally realising it’s just not cool? Or maybe, it’s just the fact our public sector is twenty years behind their commercial brethren?
Perhaps I can offer an answer to the police reform quandary that is prevalent at the moment…
So, looking under the bonnet and from the get-go, we need to incentivise to maximise on the low-hanging fruits. After all, without a pre-plan, you can’t turn a tanker around with a speed boat change going forward. And, if we actually think outside the box and facilitate an idea shower with stakeholders, taking action forward together, we must be able to develop the holistic, cradle-to-grave approach of our challenges. Perhaps if we touch base offline and conversate the pre-plan when you have a window. Remember, my door is open on this issue, I’m still optimistic that, working with our strategic partners, the issues and challenges will feed through the service delivery pipeline.
If you find things a tad boring or keep falling asleep get a BUZZWORD BINGO card!
Related articles
- Mugged By Words – you bet ya! (allcoppedout.wordpress.com)
- Are you going forward? Then stop now (bbc.co.uk)
- 50 office-speak phrases you love to hate (bbc.co.uk)
- A compendium of complete and utter bollocks from out of the mouths of idiots (billybullshit.com)
Dave's Bankside Babble 
I do not wish to reply but , would like to add that durring a years research having to contact certain groups to get information and feed back . I found the counil representatives choice of words very telling .
WORDS LIKE
MOVING FORWARD WITH STRATEGIC MEASURES IN PLACE
WITH OUR PARTNERS
Durring my research these words often came up from such bodies .However you missed one that goes so often with the above wording it is AUTHORITY .
I HAVE ASSUMED AS A RESULT THESE WORDS ARE USED TO CONNECT THOSE IN THE KNOW
I have also assumed the groups who use these words to say nothing in fact ,have an agenda that does not need to be expressed as it is already in the bag so to speak.
You could say these people are feckless nurds or part of a system of yes men /women who are brain washed to carry out the moving forward with our partners in place to carry out authorities strategic measures !!!
Have we been infiltrated by nurds or Narzi brain washing ?
Worthy of some thought me thinks !!
LikeLike
Years ago (20), the personnel director of a large local company came into my office. He wanted to do a PhD. I was up to my armpits in similar and tried to fob him off on a dull colleague who was into shabby American drivel like ‘excellence’. The bloke was having none of this and suggested a few pints. It emerged he wanted to base his PhD on a comparison of De Sade’s ‘Justine’ and HRM. He’d read something of mine on ‘banal managerial brutality’ which equated well with his day-to-day experiences as a manager. He eventually found himself looking into how terms like ‘we must learn the lessons’ became as ‘routine’ as Navy floggings and might be the same thing in disguise.
What neither of us could plumb, was how such obvious bullshit as ‘excellence’ (one amongst many) was swallowed and regurgitated, unless it was some kind of cover-story for a vile sado-masochist ‘reality’ or other kind of secret society handshaking, Gadget reveals the bullshit almost daily – what we lack is a way to go beyond the relief valve blogging – almost as Bremner, Bird and Fortune ‘reveal’ politics but all we can do is laugh.
One could produce detailed argument – and there is plenty – but this is far too difficult for the average stomach. Some of us know the CJS is broken and yet still probably believe this is in spite of plenty of decent people trying – yet to speak out is still a career suicide note. My own focus has moved to ignorance, cowardice and fealty as prime movers in apparently intelligent argument.
LikeLike