I’ve Still Got Two Cows…Just!

You Have Two Cows...About twelve months ago, I wrote how come there’s so much bullshit when there’s only two cows? That proverbial you have two cows story is a form of political satire, one commonly used to demonstrate advantages and flaws in economic systems. I’m pleased to inform you that metaphorically, I’ve still got two cows – well maybe only one and a half now – but still no answers to the original question which I raised at the time.

In that original post I asked; I wonder how the ‘two cows’ illustration should be applied to the British Public Sector and in particular, the management of our Policing services? Perhaps the lack of any reply merely implies a level of indifference however; it’s probably just as likely the bloody post wasn’t actually read in the first place. Never mind, I’ll try to answer the question myself.

  • PUBLIC SECTOR: You have two cows… One is very big and heavy and usually rides around on the back of the smaller one, which happens to be the main milk producer. You can’t afford any more cows, the money is required to meet the needs of the Govt. cows.
  • POLICE (England/Wales): You have two cows… These cows are related to the Public Sector herd but unfortunately, there’s only two left after the herd was recently decimated by ConDemCuticus disease. The most productive cow is not only working hard on producing milk but also, the cream quality of that milk. The cows are owned by several different farmers who constantly beat their charges with big sticks to improve milk production. Very few of the farmers actually appear to have much interest in farming or cows. Strangely, the milk is only produced for consumption by one street in the village. 
    • By way of contrast – POLICE (Scotland): You have two cows… Both are working very hard to produce milk for the whole village, under the direction of a single farmer who (apparently) values his cows. He also works hard trying to care for and nurture his herd correctly.
  • GOVERNMENT: You have two cows… They live opposite each other in plush cow sheds located in expansive and neatly manicured fields. Neither produce milk unless AgricTV is filming the event. They have also damaged the milk production of many other herds by constantly defecating in fields they shouldn’t be in.

Milk produced today, through no fault of the cows is often of poor quality. It has little or no cream and is often of limited nutritional value. This is mostly due to a distinct shortage of nutrients in many of the fields where the cows graze. Add to this a highly virulent strain of inter-herd discord disease, mostly carried within the mediaethics urinary tract infection, things don’t bode well for the future of our two cows!

Other Examples of the ‘You Have Two Cows’ story:-

  • BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad and, despite reading the label carefully, you find one of your cows is actually a stuffed horse which was manufactured in the far-east.
    • ENGLISH CORPORATION: You have two cows… As your farm is in Somerset they both got washed away and drowned in the floods.
    • SCOTS CORPORATION: You have two cows… It’s open to debate as to whether or not you own your cows, or they’re just a constituent part of the greater British herd.
    • WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows… The one on the left looks very attractive but more difficult to reach than your two sheep.
    • NORTHERN IRISH CORPORATION: You have two cows… After hundreds of years you still can’t decide if they are Nationalist or Republican cows… Oh Feck!

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