Bigger & Better?

Northern Echo: POLICE in North Yorkshire are launching a recruitment campaign to strengthen their numbers.

Apparently: Because of the expected high levels of interest, the recruitment process will commence with a call to the dedicated ‘recruitment hotline’ (broom cupboard in overstaffed HR Dept). Prospective applicants will be asked a few suitability questions prior to being sent an application pack. Once 1,000 application packs  have been issued the line will close.

I can imagine a call… 

Q: Good afternoon please could I take your name? (Notice ‘afternoon’ as opposed to morning. The vast majority of applicants are likely to be students or chavs who don’t normally get up before lunch)

A: It’s like Dazza, wot you wanna no 4?

Q: No I mean your full name

A: Dazza Smiff

Q: Darren, do you have a police record?

A: No… Dazza! Yea… Walkin’ on t’ Moon… Wicked, init

Q: No, have you been in trouble with the police?

A: Yea, but I woz fitted up

Q: What is your ethnicity?

A: I’m clean, don’t do drugs

Q: How are you with reading and writing?

A: I can text

Q: You’re just the sort of applicant we are looking for Mr Smith. You fully reflect the diverse nature of our communities. Can we interest you in the accelerated promotion course?

A: Wassat?

Q: Thank you Mr Smith, your application pack is in the post!

The spin, sorry press release quotes attributed to Deputy Chief Constable Adam Briggs would tend to suggest the recruitment process is all planned, financially viable and, the force is well ahead of the game…

will boost the numbers already working on the frontline Safer Neighbourhood Teams…

This is NOT an increase in real terms, as the force PR machine would have you believe. No, this is a desperate attempt to try to plug the holes in the sinking ship. One that has seen crew members jumping with glee from an ailing vessel at an alarming rate. An exodus that is unlikely to abate for a few more years to come.

The words contained in the last line of the news article are the clincher…

maintain the total number of officers in the force at 1,500.

Don’t fall for the hot air being blown up your backside or think you’re getting more cops for your buck… The buck NYPA want to increase by 3%… You’re not. The recruitment is to replace those who have already left, the ones the force has been ‘managing’ without to save money and, an attempt to offset those others leaving all the time!

In 2008 the Chief Constable of Strathclyde Police suggested that his officer numbers would increase due to loss of Superintendents…

If 20 retire over three years, as expected, that means 60 constables for the same money – a gain of 40 officers and a good way towards the 750 extra

Now there’s a bloody sound idea! But don’t stop there, look at every rank above Inspector and ask… What does he or she actually contribute to policing the streets of our Nation, catching the bad guys and keeping us safe? (Bit like politicians really) 🙂

Oh yes, some definitions of employment jargon for the potential recruits…

  • COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
  • FLEXIBLE HOURS:  Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
  • GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
  • ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you’re fired.
  • CAREER-MINDED: We expect that you will want to jump through hoops with little or no recognision up to retirement (which we hope to increase soon).
  • SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won’t answer questions
  • SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend
  • DUTIES WILL VARY: Everybody in the organisation is your boss and any one of them can give you orders.
  • COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
  • CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We no longer expect you to be smart and tidy (so yesterday).
  • SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
  • PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
  • DEVOLVED RESPOPNSIBILITY: If the organisation experiences any management induced difficulties you are to blame.

Still wan’t to join? Noooo, you have been warned. 🙂

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