Cop Humour?

Police Officers

The following came to me by email, it may be a little old by now but some of it made me smile. People wonder why there is a kind of ‘black humour’ within the police, some would even say it’s sick. I would suggest that it is just a form of escapism from the reality and stress of the role. One of those ‘if you don’t laugh you’ll cry’ type of situations… 

You might be (or have been) a Copper if…. 

  • You have the bladder capacity of five people.
  • You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
  • You believe that 75% of people are a waste of space.
  • Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
  • You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.
  • Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.
  • You find humour in other people’s stupidity.
  • You have your weekends off planned for a year.
  • You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says ” God its Quiet today”.
  • Whenever you phone someone, you ask them ‘Are you free to speak?’
  • Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a Computer can track.
  • You’re the only sober person in the kebab house.
  • You believe chocolate is a food group.
  • Having alcohol at 7 am seems perfectly normal.
  • You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called “Suicide, getting it right The first time”.
  • You believe “Too stupid to live” should be a valid court outcome.
  • When you mention vegetables, you’re not referring to a food group.
  • You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
  • Your prisoner states “I have no idea how I got here” – and neither have You.
  • You end normal conversations with loved ones with 10/4 or Acknowledged.
  • You walk down the street looking at people as potential criminal intelligence submissions.
  • You believe the carpet bombing of certain areas of your beat is a viable alternative to policing.
  • You believe that some crimes can be sorted out with a damn good kicking.
  • Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
  • You are the only person you know who ever uses the word ‘obliged’.
  • Your partner tells you off for walking with your hands held together behind your back.
  • At least once every working day you use the phrase, “The job’s shagged!”
  • You regularly say, “With all due respect, Sir” but mean nothing of the sort.
  • You have a nose finely tuned to the smells of cannabis decomposition and stale body odour.
  • You think Thursday is the best night to go into town for a drink with your mates.

And…You nodded and laughed at most (or all) of the above, and realised what a sick bunch we/they all are/were!

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