The following came to me by email, it may be a little old by now but some of it made me smile. People wonder why there is a kind of ‘black humour’ within the police, some would even say it’s sick. I would suggest that it is just a form of escapism from the reality and stress of the role. One of those ‘if you don’t laugh you’ll cry’ type of situations…
You might be (or have been) a Copper if….
- You have the bladder capacity of five people.
- You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
- You believe that 75% of people are a waste of space.
- Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
- You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.
- Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.
- You find humour in other people’s stupidity.
- You have your weekends off planned for a year.
- You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
- You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says ” God its Quiet today”.
- Whenever you phone someone, you ask them ‘Are you free to speak?’
- Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a Computer can track.
- You’re the only sober person in the kebab house.
- You believe chocolate is a food group.
- Having alcohol at 7 am seems perfectly normal.
- You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called “Suicide, getting it right The first time”.
- You believe “Too stupid to live” should be a valid court outcome.
- When you mention vegetables, you’re not referring to a food group.
- You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
- Your prisoner states “I have no idea how I got here” – and neither have You.
- You end normal conversations with loved ones with 10/4 or Acknowledged.
- You walk down the street looking at people as potential criminal intelligence submissions.
- You believe the carpet bombing of certain areas of your beat is a viable alternative to policing.
- You believe that some crimes can be sorted out with a damn good kicking.
- Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
- You are the only person you know who ever uses the word ‘obliged’.
- Your partner tells you off for walking with your hands held together behind your back.
- At least once every working day you use the phrase, “The job’s shagged!”
- You regularly say, “With all due respect, Sir” but mean nothing of the sort.
- You have a nose finely tuned to the smells of cannabis decomposition and stale body odour.
- You think Thursday is the best night to go into town for a drink with your mates.
And…You nodded and laughed at most (or all) of the above, and realised what a sick bunch we/they all are/were!
