Cop Humour?

The following came to me by email, it may be a little old by now but some of it made me smile. People wonder why there is a kind of ‘black humour’ within the police, some would even say it’s sick. I would suggest that it is just a form of escapism from the reality and stress of the role. One of those ‘if you don’t laugh you’ll cry’ type of situations…

You might be (or have been) a Copper if….

You have the bladder capacity of five people.
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
You believe that 75% of people are a waste of space.
Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.
Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.
You find humour in other people’s stupidity.
You have your weekends off planned for a year.
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says ” God its Quiet today”.
Whenever you phone someone, you ask them ‘Are you free to speak?’
Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a Computer can track.
You’re the only sober person in the kebab house.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
Having alcohol at 7 am seems perfectly normal.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called “Suicide, getting it right The first time”.
You believe “Too stupid to live” should be a valid court outcome.
When you mention vegetables, you’re not referring to a food group.
You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
Your prisoner states “I have no idea how I got here” – and neither have You.
You end normal conversations with loved ones with 10/4 or Acknowledged.
You walk down the street looking at people as potential criminal intelligence submissions.
You believe the carpet bombing of certain areas of your beat is a viable alternative to policing.
You believe that some crimes can be sorted out with a damn good kicking.
Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
You are the only person you know who ever uses the word ‘obliged’.
Your partner tells you off for walking with your hands held together behind your back.
At least once every working day you use the phrase, “The job’s shagged!”
You regularly say, “With all due respect, Sir” but mean nothing of the sort.
You have a nose finely tuned to the smells of cannabis decomposition and stale body odour.
You think Thursday is the best night to go into town for a drink with your mates.